Best Laugh of the Week

Actual Australian Court Docket (12659---case of the pregnant woman)

A woman about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This made the smile turn into a wide grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the guy arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the 20 yr old male what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your Honor, it was like this; She sat under a sweets sign that said,"The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, " Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she sat under a deodorant sign that said,"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could barely contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and moved under the sign that said,"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it".

CASE DISMISSED!�

Just Ask for Help

Many of the stories in this blog are about how women support others – their families, their friends, their employers, and often their parents. Almost all of us are good at being there when we are needed. We seldom say ‘no’ when asked for help.

Ironically though, we forget that when we need help ourselves. We make up a story that others are too busy to help us and so we don’t ask. And we give up on our dreams, believing that since we can’t do it on our own, it just isn’t meant to be.

How silly is that?!?

I speak from experience here.

An opportunity presented itself to me recently – something I had always dreamed of, but never thought would become a reality in my life. But, like most opportunities, it came with a few hurdles.

In a conversation with two of my dearest friends, I shared my ambivalence about this opportunity. How quick to provide support were they! They began by NOT letting me let go of the dream, insisting that I look honestly at what was keeping me from moving forward. And when I did that, I had to admit that what was holding me back was believing that I had to do it all by myself.

They made me realize that there was another option – asking for help.

Like most women, I was reluctant to ask for help, never mind RECEIVE it!

I thought that because something was hard for me, it was hard for others; I was so afraid to do some of the things required, I wouldn’t even start. And it hadn’t occurred to me that my friends might not share those fears.

My friend Carolyn (who is a Life Coach, here in Vancouver) was quick to point out that not only was she NOT AFRAID, she loved doing the things that scared me. Can you imagine my relief at hearing that? (and secretly, I wondered if she wasn’t just being kind …)

But she was genuinely interested in helping me and seeing me move toward my dream.

So, emboldened by her offer of help, I bucked up my courage and began the first few tentative steps.

And I know now that my dream really may come true; maybe that’s what they mean when they say that you CAN have your dream if you are willing to do what’s hard.

I’m not fully there yet, but here’s something interesting that’s happened along the way: I’ve decided to drop the thinking that others might not be willing to help me, and I’ve started to do what’s hard and ask others for help. You probably know what the response has been – to a one, every person I’ve asked has stepped up and been there for me.

And while this ALWAYS blows me away, I’m very grateful and I intend to continue asking – and receiving help. And stop trying to be a lone ranger.

Just For Today.....

My sister sent me this lovely note this morning – she is a young mother of two and step-mother to three more. The sentiments in this are so worth reminding ourselves; even if you are not a mother, it is good to set your priorities straight. Please read with a smile, and then forward this on to someone you love.

• Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
• Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
• Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
• Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
• Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
• Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
• Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
• Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
• Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
• Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
• Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
• Just for this evening, when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore. And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day.
  

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?' If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

The Story Of The Eagle.

The Eagle has the longest life span of its species.










It can live up to 70 years, but to reach this age the eagle must make a hard decision.



In its 40's, its long and flexible talons can no longer grab prey which serves as food.



Its long and sharp beak becomes bent.



Its old aged and heavy wings due to its thick feathers, become stuck to its chest and make it difficult to fly.



Then the eagle is left with only 2 options: Die or go through a painful process of change which lasts 150 days.



The process requires that the eagle fly to a mountain top and sits on its nest. There the eagle knocks its beak against a rock until it plucks out. After plucking it out the eagle will wait for a new beak to grow and then it will pluck out its talons.



When its' new talons grow back the eagle begins to pluck out his old aged feathers.



After 5 months, the eagle takes it famous flight of rebirth and lives for 30 more years.



Why is change needed? Many times in order to survive we have to start a change process. We have to get rid of old memories, habits and other past traditions. Only freed from past burdens we can take advantage of the present.

Two Horses

Two Horses
Author - Unknown

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Theresa

_____________________________________________________

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing....

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.

This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.
Attached to the h horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way....

Good friends are like that ... you may not always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

And remember...be kinder than necessary- everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Laugh Of the Week - June 25th

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff "you" want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water..

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Laugh Of the Week - June 12th

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on..........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:


"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

("Cold wax, yeah...right!") I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of allwayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!


I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up thestrip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

SEALED SHUT!!!!

MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!

SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!******

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -

I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......

"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck
to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Best Laugh of the Week - June 8th

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind" pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX"

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "MEMORIES."

Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies. Laugh... It burns calories