My friend Ben is a Coach who works with other coaches -- helping them move their businesses forward. He shared the following story with me and -- because he's talking about another saboteur-- I had to share it with you. There are loads of inner voices that keep us from experiencing all the joy in the world, and this is one of those. Enjoy, and keep sending you comments!

Ben said: After suffering the incident that is described below, I had a beautiful barrage of "ah-ha's" that couldn't wait, and I knew that there would be many people out there who would appreciate this and find some value.

First off, a little back-story, after quite a bit of coaching on my health and exercise, I realized that the one thing I really enjoyed and was in great physical health was way back in college when I was dancing. Two hours a day, five days a week, plus all the walking from class to class up and down this enormous hill.
I loved it. It was exhausting, I was a massive and tired and sore sweat ball by noon each morning, and I loved each and every minute of it. Especially ballet. The physical condition that it takes to do that is fantastic, and I look back and love that I was in that condition.

As wonderful as it was, when I left college, life had a funny way of getting in the way with plenty of excuses--no time, no money, it wasn't really that important, why am I doing it anyway? I mean, there's no way I'm going to be a professional dancer. what's the point?

All these excuses (and more) very conveniently got in the way.

So fast forward 18 years, and after plenty of hemming and hawing (and some great coaching) I finally stripped away all those past (and several new) excuses and went looking for a class. As luck would have it, there was one literally a mile from my home. Easy access. And I wouldn't be an old 40 year old guy (old in dancing terms) among a bunch of peppy 20-something's (how embarrassing.) Nope, this was actually an adult class with people just like me.

And I have money to afford it (even better), and the time in my schedule.

So as I said, having stripped away all the excuses that my gremlin/saboteur kept offering me for the better part of 18 years, I went and signed up, paid for a whole semester (three months, how's that for commitment?) and even went out and bought new ballet shoes.

How weird it was to change back into my dance attire.

How foreign it was to walk into the room and approach the bar.

How strange it was to hear the piano playing and to watch the teacher go through the movements.

And how perfectly wonderful it felt.

Amazingly, after 18 years, it all came back. Sure, it wasn't a 20 year old body anymore, but the muscles responded--knowing exactly what to do. My balance was a bit off (20 extra pounds does that to a dancer) but my body intrinsically knew how to continually adjust. My body wasn't nearly as strong as it was then, but it knew the motions, and the synapse between my brain and eyes---seeing the choreography and steps--and sending that information to my body was almost as though I had never stopped.

Like riding a bike.

Yeah, I'll admit, I was hurting the next day. In fact, it took four days for certain muscles in my legs to stop screaming, "What the hell were you thinking?" But even through all that, all week I've been looking forward to going back. Anticipating, ready to continue my new and exciting and empowering journey. Even over the weekend, I was in "The Bigger Game" workshop, and as wonderful as it was, all I kept thinking was, "Only three more days and I get to go back to my ballet class."

And then....

Today, I sprained my ankle.
Doing something as complex and dangerous as walking. Yeah, that's all I was doing--- walking my dog. Ain't that the way? I stepped wrong, felt the pop and the surge of adrenaline chemicals shooting through my body, the pain, the swelling, as I fell to the ground.

And all I could think about as I was lying there was, "No!! I have to go to ballet!!! This isn't fair!"

But that's how it goes. The best laid plans of Mice and Men, don't you know.
So I have two basic options.

A) I can let this be a sign, one more obstacle added to the list of why I just shouldn't do this. Let my fears, my gremlins, my stuck and status quo quality of life win. I mean, just when I got started, I get yanked out. I never get a break. It's impossible to find any momentum and I'll never get going. Crap. Why even bother? This is why I didn't do this for 18 years, and I'd probably be better off if I took another 18 years.

yeah, I could go that way.

Or...

B) Know that I need to listen to my body. And actually use this as an opportunity to Celebrate something bigger. Think about it! The whole point about me getting back into ballet was to take care of my body. Well, here's another opportunity for me to take care of my body.

And just because it's not happening "NOW", doesn't mean that I won't be able to do it forever. Most likely the following week, I'll be back on my feet (no pun intended) and back in class... until the next obstacle pops up.

That's life. It just doesn't go the way we plan. Hardly ever.

But instead of being attached to a specific outcome--how it's supposed to look and when it's supposed to happen --I can look at the bigger picture and stay committed to what's really important. My body, my health, my self-confidence, my self-expression (yeah, it's the whole, little "a"/ Big "A", isn't it?)

So I bring this up for all of you to take a look at; what is the "sprained ankle" that is preventing you from going to your highly desired and long awaited "ballet class."

And you can choose option A) Agree and stop. Or 2) Celebrate and continue on.

It's all up to you.
And when you make your choice, I'll be there on the dance floor waiting for you."

-ben dooley, CPCC, PCC.
"I coach coaches (like you) to coaching success."
630-484-2336
benbedo.org
www.bedo.org/coaches


We agree with Ben -- don't you?

It's OK for you to have WANTS!

Speaking your truth!

That's an expression that I've heard many times before; you likely have, too!

But what does it mean, really?

I used to think that it meant being honest when someone asked me a question, or digging deep inside myself when asked to consider some profound idea.

But it means way more than that, as I discovered this week.

A woman who is close to me had a big decision to make this week. She was in a lot of inner turmoil as she considered her options, and asked to talk with me privately about the issue. We spent several hours (on three or four different occasions) together while she tried to sort out what was to be the best option.

The process of watching her do that was very enlightening. And in the end, she spoke her truth.

You see, she had always believed that it was not OK for her to have wants (needs is a different story for a different time ...). Every time she had to speak about what she wanted, she choked up inside. She tried to downplay what it was, often didn't even speak her truth, and more often felt angry. Most of her anger came from believing that she could not have what she wanted, or that she had to justify or explain why she wanted it. It was difficult for her to even put her wants into words.

Can you relate to this at all?

She knew -- on an intellectual level, at least -- that it was OK for her to want stuff -- I'm not talking about a new dress, or a pair of shoes. I'm talking about wanting things like time alone, a vacation, a car that works. Big stuff. Stuff she was always afraid to stand up for herself and say "I WANT THIS!"

But whenever it came time to say it out loud, she choked up. She'd soft peddle it, like "Wouldn't a vacation to Hawaii be nice?" or even more subtle, "This car sucks!"

In some ways, not saying it out loud meant that when she didn't get what she wanted, it was actually no one's fault. But it did create this deep-seated anger -- not at anyone in particular always, quite often, just at life.

When she had to face this really big decision this week, it took her several days -- and a whole lot of inner wrangling -- to be able to say it out loud.

But when she did say it out loud, she realized something huge.

First, she realized that everyone important in her life wanted her to be happy; so no one had an issue with her choice. More importantly, however, she realized that if you don't say these things out loud, you are less likely to achieve them. And not least of all, she realized that making choices that work for her, and being OK with having wants at all is a right that everyone has.

This was so big for her; and I wept with joy at her discovery. Because now she can let go of her anger at her family, the universe, life in general about not having the things she really wants. And she can speak her truth -- with love, and the full expectation that all of us, who love her, will support her in having everything she wants -- and then some.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with this issue, please send this note on to them. Perhaps it will help them see something inspiring or useful. And if they'd like to talk to one of our coaches, e-mail us at fun-wey@shaw.ca

Til next time,
Linda

Coaching to Reduce your Stress

Here at Fun-Wey, we coach women to have fun -- we believe that it is super important to include FUN, every day to minimize the health risks of living with STRESS. Below is a thoughtful note about that very topic. We hope you'll find it inspiring.

Stress

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,
raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, someone will have to call an ambulance!

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued,

'And that's the way it is with stress management.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,

as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. '

'As with the glass of water, we have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.

When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'

'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.

Don't carry it home; you can pick it up tomorrow.'

The coaches here at Fun-Wey would like to urge you to include some fun -- EVERY DAY -- in your life; then, when you are refreshed, you can pick up your burdens with renewed energy. And, if you found this article helpful, send us a note -- we'd love to hear from you!

E-mail us at fun-wey@shaw.ca

Til next time,
Linda

One More Giggle!

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a 'wrecked center', but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Life Coach helps you have more Fun!

More About Sabatoeurs

My Life Coach, Anna, has been keeping this concept close to the top of my brain and recently asked me for an update.

Once again my resistance kicked in -- why does she keep asking me to think about this? Doesn't she know that I already have a lot on my mind?

This past week has been incredibly hectic for me as I've undertaken to get legal guardianship of one of my grandchildren. The court system put up some barriers initially, and I found myself dealing with 'not fast enough' several times each day. All the delays caused her to miss the first two days of school, which seemed to bother me a great deal more than it did anyone else. No one at the school seemed terribly concerned, and the folks at the central registration office were quite blase about the whole thing.

But I was having conniptions, not sleeping, was tense and edgy and listening to all kinds of complaints internally from 'not fast enough'.

I mentioned in a previous post that I had realized how this sabatoeur caused me to judge others (not very favourably, I might add) and this week I had a field day!

Those idiots! How incompetent can they be? If I hadn't called them 10 times a day, would she even be in school yet? What a disorganized bunch they are!

Well, if you've ever been plagued by this sabatoeur, you'll know exactly what I mean.

And the truth is, she only missed two days of school -- and now is safely registered and attending and caught up with her fellow class-mates. I mean, I really did make a mountain out of a molehill on this one.

But I sure put myself through a great deal of angst in the process (and anybody who would listen suffered too!)

So what's the lesson here?

I guess the real lesson is that just knowing about this sabatoeur and his wily strategies and subtle, aggravating scare tactics, isn't enough.

I did try the 'thank you for sharing' that had worked a few previous times. But this time, he hit me where it really mattered. And nothing seemed to work.

And that was to be expected. Whenever you try to eliminate a weed from your garden, you know you have to pull the roots out too, or it will come back with a vengeance. And as a gardener, I'm all too familiar with this notion. (We recently tried to get rid of some bamboo that is taking over our side garden and -- whew! what a job!)

So getting under and eliminating the roots of this sabatoeur are going to be absolutely necessary. That's the real work -- the demanding, gut-wrenching, painful stuff that resistance is made of. So no brainer, here. I gotta do the work.

I have to look at all those ridiculous 'what-if's' -- what if she has to miss a whole week of school? what if she can't make any friends? what if she hates school? what if the other kids don't like her?

Now that I see all those questions in black and white, I wish I had written them out earlier. Maybe then I could have seen how unfounded and stupid those fears are; and maybe then I could have said 'thank you for sharing' with a little more confidence and success.

Perhaps that's the real lesson here -- write out your fears -- put them down in black and white, and really look at them.

What I've found most effective is to challenge my thinking when I'm resisting or fearing something. And seeing the words on the printed page makes that a little easier. And if you can't do it yourself, ask someone you love or your Life Coach to help you face those demons, look them in the eye, and see them for the nonsense they are.

And then you'll really mean it when you say 'thank you for sharing'; and you'll ignore those voices more effectively.

And let us know how your experience was. Because what we want for you more than anything is more joy in your life.

Til next time,

Coaching to help you have More Fun!

So Who are the 'Fun Police'?

That was the question posed to me by my life coach, Anna. We were talking about our inner sabatoeurs and how they limit us in our daily lives, in the pursuit of our dreams, and in having fun!

I have a whole lot of them, and Anna challenged me to name them and -- over the next week, specifically -- to identify what kinds of thoughts and feelings they create inside me. At first I resisted. I felt there were too many of them, and that it would take far too long for me to meet her challenge.

However, when I really looked at that resistance, I realized that those thoughts were the work of my sabatoeur called "Not fast enough!" Boy, has that one ever been around for a lo-o-o-ng time!

When I was a little girl, my dad used to walk with me everywhere -- we didn't have a car then, so walking was pretty much it for getting around. His legs were long and mine were short and I had to run to keep up with him. I remember wailing "Daddy, slow down; you're going to fast!"

But he never did. He was always in a hurry, and over the years -- growing up -- I learned to be the same. He used to tell me to 'use your head, instead of your feet', so I learned to not only be fast, but efficient.

I guess you might be wondering what all this has to do with 'fun'.

Over the next week, I promise to explore that with you.

But first, let me identify how this guy talks to me and I feel when I listen.

Not fast enough feeds into that overall feeling of 'not good enough'. No doubt you're familiar with that one.

If you are at all like me, you're driven partly at least by the need to please others. As I grew up, I was always the 'good little girl', so I got lots of affirmations from my parents. This established a pattern for me that continued well into my adult life. Not getting affirmations, not being 'patted on the head' (both literally and figuratively) was an uncomfortable place for me to be.

So from an early age, I developed the radar to help me quickly know what behaviours, words, and actions would garner me the proverbial 'pat on the back'. In fact, I got very good at figuring out what other people would like, tried to anticipate their needs and fulfill them, often before they even asked.

My mom does this really well -- in fact, growing up I remember quite distinctly hoping I could be like her. I thought her to be the most considerate person in the world. Being considerate was an attribute I aspired to having.

As I became older, left the home, got a job, I cultivated this skill -- and was given projects to work on where this skill would serve both me and the company very well. I regularly brought my projects in ON TIME and UNDER BUDGET! You can guess that I was quite proud of my career accomplishments.

Now, ask me how much fun I had while working on a project.

The answer is 'None!'

I could glow in the praise immediately following a completed project, but soon after started searching for another, bigger challenge. All this in the name of getting more accolades.

What was critical for me was getting the job done and doing it faster, more effectively and more efficiently than anyone else.

Not that I needed all the praise just for me; no, I share the spotlight with my team and loved what they contributed. But I was so focused on deadlines that I often took work home, worked on weekends, blah, blah, blah -- you know the drill.

I was seldom available to go out socializing, to play with my kids, to have fun. No, no, no, no! This was important. Nothing else could ever take precedence.

As I look back on that now, I feel like a schmuck! (But I just bet that's another one of my sabatoeurs trying to have a party at my expense ... ha, ha). So enough for now. Coach Anna will be proud of me, don’t you agree?

But stay tuned for more naming of the Fun Police -- you might meet someone you know!